I had to remind mum that she had forgotten to tell everyone about my Open Day. She says it's because she is still recovering from it!
Anyway, after all the wet weather, we had a lovely sunny day. I was brought into the bottom paddock with the two Scottish Stumpies, and a large sack of chopped carrots and a feed scoop were left there. This got me wondering if there could be something interesting today instead of the usual boring you get up, have breakfast, go out into field, eat, sleep, come back in for dinner, eat, sleep, repeat the dose. Relaxing it may be but I am a young donkey and I am ready to rumble. There is not a lot of action on a smallholding in Dumfries and Galloway, apart from chasing Ziggle the cat.
I watched with interest as tables and chairs appeared on the lawn - lawn is a bit of an exageration, there is a stretch of grass and reeds which claims it is a lawn but really that is stretching credibility a bit. It was still a bit soft under foot after the rain so the chair legs sank into it nicely and sat at all sorts of angles.
Then cakes and things appeared on the table and before mum had even had time to put on some lippie, folks were driving in. She says that she was a bit harassed as we were due to be open from 1200 and people started arriving at 1130 and she hadn't even the hot water boiled and ready to make tea and was still setting things up. Oh well, these things happen. I was ready, I had been groomed and was looking as smart as I could be. And so the cars started arriving and people spilled out and milled around and of course I know why they were all there!
All to see ME of course. Me and the Scottish stumpies preened and posed and ate carrots all day while Dad told everyone my story and what an exceptionally wonderful talented and modest donkey I am. By the end of the afternoon we had all almost turned carrot coloured as we had eaten so many of them, and we had also begun to get snappy and fighty as I wanted them all to myself. It's My Open Day so why should I share. No one would bother coming to see the Scottish Stumpies as they are not Famous. Aimee disagrees, she says she has her picture in more papers than I have.....show me the photos I say.
Didn't see much of mum as she was on cakes and teas duty. She spent all day Saturday baking meringues, walnut cake, cherry cake, fruit cake, Victoria sponge with cream and jam, cup cakes, you name it she had made it - but I didn't get any - she says that dairy products are not good for donkeys but I am sure I know better.
Anyway, about 70 people came to see me and they left me lots of presents - it all added up to £320.00! This was then sent to Equine Section to help save another donkey like me - well not like me as there couldn't be another Vodka donkey.
Mum said never again, she was tired, I was tired too - so full of carrots I could hardly stagger to the stables to lie down.
Mum says that I behaved impeccably and showed everyone what a lovely brave and gentle donkey I am - Ferguson might not agree with this assessment as I kept shoving him out of the way so I could get more carrots. But I was very hospitable and friendly and welcoming - I am sure they all loved me.
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Vodka Breaches ASBO
I've done it, I was caught in the act.....
She saw me......I grabbed his rug, and pulled it.
I sunk my teeth into his neck and wrestled with him.....
I MOUNTED HIM - mum says she couldn't watch his little legs buckle with my weight.....
I then asked him to play....and when he wouldn't I chased him with my ears back till he turned around and booted me.
Mum cheered.....
I have a feeling I am in huge trouble. Do they have special Docks in Court for donkeys? Do they do lunch for donkeys, afternoon tea. Oh why didn't I read my Performance Indicators properly.
She saw me......I grabbed his rug, and pulled it.
I sunk my teeth into his neck and wrestled with him.....
I MOUNTED HIM - mum says she couldn't watch his little legs buckle with my weight.....
I then asked him to play....and when he wouldn't I chased him with my ears back till he turned around and booted me.
Mum cheered.....
I have a feeling I am in huge trouble. Do they have special Docks in Court for donkeys? Do they do lunch for donkeys, afternoon tea. Oh why didn't I read my Performance Indicators properly.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Vodka's Ten Commandments
I have been reprieved, mum has cancelled the bad lorry on a temporary basis only. I have been given an asbo and must sign up to the following Performance Indicators.....
1. I must not molest Ferguson in any way.
1a) Statutory rape of Ferguson is not permitted.
1b) Grevious bodily harm is not permitted, this includes hanging onto his tail with my teeth and swinging, grabbing him by the neck and tugging and biting his legs.
1c) Chasing Ferguson up and down the field till his little legs are tired is also considered anti social behaviour unless he clearly indicates that he wishes to participate in an exercise session.
2. All equine equipment must be treated with due respect.
2a) I must not remove rugs which are hanging up to dry and drag them all over the mud in the yard and stand on them.
2b) 2a applies not only to my own rugs but those rugs belonging to other horses and donkeys on site.
2c) I must not remove rugs which are being worn by other horses and donkeys. This particularly refers to Ferguson's rugs. I must pay particular attention to weather conditions and not remove his rugs on a wet and windy day.
2d) If I violate item 2 (c), I must leave the rug in a clearly visible position in the field and not hide it in the longest grass and the wettest area.
2e) I will not laugh if in the process of recovering said rug mum falls over in the mud and long grass and comes in very wet and dirty and in a severe bad humour.
2f) I must not take headcollars that are hanging outside my stable, drag them through the bars of the stable and then chew on brand new lead ropes.
2g) I must not remove mangers from the wall by scratching my bottom on them. Dad has now hung the manger 6 times and while mum says that maybe the bolts are not strong enough, when I sit on the manger it tends to give way. If I remove the manger from the wall, I should not be grumpy if my breakfast is delayed while emergency repairs take place.
3. I must not chase stable cats, whether in the stable or on the yard or on the new Vodka tracks. This particularly applies to burmese blue Ziggle who is still recovering from post traumatic shock having been chased and donkey handled by myself. In my defence, if he was stupid enough to sit right in the middle of the track and refuse to move, what did he expect?
Item 3 will equally apply to any other felines stupid enough to venture within reach of myself. The most likely cats at risk are Sam the Man, Fudge a.k.a Horatio due to his likeness to
David Carusa, and Saffy (though Saffy may well be able to stand up for herself, being a notorious donkey eating cat).
4. On the extremely rare occasions that carrot or apple peelings are added to my breakfast or dinner, I will not roar and make rude noises and attempt to monopolise three feeding stations. I will permit Aimee and Ferguson to eat their breakfasts and dinners without the added stress of a Vodka donkey attempting to share their manger. I must note that there is not room for two donkey muzzles to be in the manger simultaneously.
5. When in season I will try to conduct myself with decorum. The entire world does not need to know that I am up for it. It is extremely unladylike for me to stand and wee and show my donkey parts to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. I will not flaunt myself at Ferguson and scare the pants off him if he were wearing any.
6. I will under no circumstances attempt to donkey handle a feed bucket while held by mum and will wait at a discreet distance while the breakfasts and dinners of all three donkeys are being equitably distributed between the three mangers. I will not complain that my manger has less than anyone else's.
7. I will not let me myself out of the stable at night (I wish to appeal on this one as it was Aimee that had the idea and opened the door) and will not under any circumstances enter the feed store and eat the chicken food.
8. If I have violated item (7) above I promise not to crow.
9. I will not throw buckets across the stable, whether or not they are empty.
10. I will permit my forehead to be combed on demand and without warning.
I have been told that other items may be added to this list of Must Dos.
I must lie down and worry about how I will manage to adhere to all this. If I don't the consequences could be dire.
1. I must not molest Ferguson in any way.
1a) Statutory rape of Ferguson is not permitted.
1b) Grevious bodily harm is not permitted, this includes hanging onto his tail with my teeth and swinging, grabbing him by the neck and tugging and biting his legs.
1c) Chasing Ferguson up and down the field till his little legs are tired is also considered anti social behaviour unless he clearly indicates that he wishes to participate in an exercise session.
2. All equine equipment must be treated with due respect.
2a) I must not remove rugs which are hanging up to dry and drag them all over the mud in the yard and stand on them.
2b) 2a applies not only to my own rugs but those rugs belonging to other horses and donkeys on site.
2c) I must not remove rugs which are being worn by other horses and donkeys. This particularly refers to Ferguson's rugs. I must pay particular attention to weather conditions and not remove his rugs on a wet and windy day.
2d) If I violate item 2 (c), I must leave the rug in a clearly visible position in the field and not hide it in the longest grass and the wettest area.
2e) I will not laugh if in the process of recovering said rug mum falls over in the mud and long grass and comes in very wet and dirty and in a severe bad humour.
2f) I must not take headcollars that are hanging outside my stable, drag them through the bars of the stable and then chew on brand new lead ropes.
2g) I must not remove mangers from the wall by scratching my bottom on them. Dad has now hung the manger 6 times and while mum says that maybe the bolts are not strong enough, when I sit on the manger it tends to give way. If I remove the manger from the wall, I should not be grumpy if my breakfast is delayed while emergency repairs take place.
3. I must not chase stable cats, whether in the stable or on the yard or on the new Vodka tracks. This particularly applies to burmese blue Ziggle who is still recovering from post traumatic shock having been chased and donkey handled by myself. In my defence, if he was stupid enough to sit right in the middle of the track and refuse to move, what did he expect?
Item 3 will equally apply to any other felines stupid enough to venture within reach of myself. The most likely cats at risk are Sam the Man, Fudge a.k.a Horatio due to his likeness to
David Carusa, and Saffy (though Saffy may well be able to stand up for herself, being a notorious donkey eating cat).
4. On the extremely rare occasions that carrot or apple peelings are added to my breakfast or dinner, I will not roar and make rude noises and attempt to monopolise three feeding stations. I will permit Aimee and Ferguson to eat their breakfasts and dinners without the added stress of a Vodka donkey attempting to share their manger. I must note that there is not room for two donkey muzzles to be in the manger simultaneously.
5. When in season I will try to conduct myself with decorum. The entire world does not need to know that I am up for it. It is extremely unladylike for me to stand and wee and show my donkey parts to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. I will not flaunt myself at Ferguson and scare the pants off him if he were wearing any.
6. I will under no circumstances attempt to donkey handle a feed bucket while held by mum and will wait at a discreet distance while the breakfasts and dinners of all three donkeys are being equitably distributed between the three mangers. I will not complain that my manger has less than anyone else's.
7. I will not let me myself out of the stable at night (I wish to appeal on this one as it was Aimee that had the idea and opened the door) and will not under any circumstances enter the feed store and eat the chicken food.
8. If I have violated item (7) above I promise not to crow.
9. I will not throw buckets across the stable, whether or not they are empty.
10. I will permit my forehead to be combed on demand and without warning.
I have been told that other items may be added to this list of Must Dos.
I must lie down and worry about how I will manage to adhere to all this. If I don't the consequences could be dire.
Friday, 3 October 2008
I Am Being Sent Back
Mum has said that she has ordered the bad lorry to come back and get me and take me to Italy.
She says it is fully justified due to my very very bad behaviour. That I am a thoroughly naughty donkey - I always knew this would happen, that it was not to be forever.
She says she will make the phone call tonight and I will be gone by Monday.
I am heartbroken. What can I do?
She says it is fully justified due to my very very bad behaviour. That I am a thoroughly naughty donkey - I always knew this would happen, that it was not to be forever.
She says she will make the phone call tonight and I will be gone by Monday.
I am heartbroken. What can I do?
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Vodka Falls at First Hurdle....Not a Showjumper
As you may know from previous posts, my catwalk is being made as we speak.....I am not sure of the colour - dirty grey - and tonight I had the first chance to try it out.....it's not quite finished but mum says tomorrow we will be fully encircled.
However the only way onto it was to jump over a log. Now with my giraffe legs, I just couldn't figure it out - how to lift each one up in turn, or take a big leap at it. Mum says I made a total three course dinner of it, as it was only 9 inches hight.....and with my long legs really what an excuse.
The two diddy donkeys had already climbed over it, scampered along the yellow brick road, straight into the stable, and I was left alone, running up and down, shouting and screaming for someone to come and help me. A donkey home alone, not good. Panic.
Mum came back with a headcollar and I submitted to being caught, she then tried to lead me over the logs but no, not a chance. I wasn't going to risk it. I know all about broken legs in donkeys - it's a one way trip (literally) to the larder! In the end she had to woman-handle the log - all 10ft long of it, big fir tree - out of the way to make a gap so a dainty donkey ankle could squeeze through.
Finally I got into the stable only to find the two diddy donkeys had eaten my dinner as well.
Adding insult to injury I think. I am plotting my revenge.
However the only way onto it was to jump over a log. Now with my giraffe legs, I just couldn't figure it out - how to lift each one up in turn, or take a big leap at it. Mum says I made a total three course dinner of it, as it was only 9 inches hight.....and with my long legs really what an excuse.
The two diddy donkeys had already climbed over it, scampered along the yellow brick road, straight into the stable, and I was left alone, running up and down, shouting and screaming for someone to come and help me. A donkey home alone, not good. Panic.
Mum came back with a headcollar and I submitted to being caught, she then tried to lead me over the logs but no, not a chance. I wasn't going to risk it. I know all about broken legs in donkeys - it's a one way trip (literally) to the larder! In the end she had to woman-handle the log - all 10ft long of it, big fir tree - out of the way to make a gap so a dainty donkey ankle could squeeze through.
Finally I got into the stable only to find the two diddy donkeys had eaten my dinner as well.
Adding insult to injury I think. I am plotting my revenge.
Monday, 22 September 2008
Vodka Badly Injures Mum - And Just Escapes Death
They have started installing the Vodka Catwalk - I expect a red carpet at the very least. Mum says I may have to make do with grey instead.
The gateways to our fields are muddy and I am expected to get the Vodka ankles dirty as I delicately trip in and out on a daily basis. This is just not on - especially as poor little Ferguson who does not have giraffe donkey long legs almost flounders in the mud - I am sure one of these days we are going to have to dig him out.
Mum also lost her wellies in it last week and there was a lot of cursing about the fact that she had to take her foot out of the wellie, walk out through the mud barefoot, having managed to eventually pull the offending wellie out of the mud without going as she says a over t. Not sure what that means but maybe someone out there can translate. Something to do with bottoms and bristols she tells me.
The cat walk project has meant that we have had to move to the bottom field. The main gate to this is used by Rosie the cob and it is very very muddy, even worse than our field gate. So we have had to use the bottom gate, which isn't really for foor legged people like us - it is a people gate and you have to go over a bridge and through this little gate. To get there you have to come down the hill via the garden.
So far so good you might think but no not quite.
On Friday, mum told dad to go down and shut the gate at the entrance to the house, so that if for any reason any of us clever donkeys managed to get loose while walking in the garden. Reasonable precaution given what happened next. She then got all our headcollars on and started leading us out of the barn and down the yard, the gate of which was open.
To her horror, she saw that daft daddy had let a lorry carrying stones for the tracks through the bottom gate and it was coming up the hill towards us. He also hadn't shut the bottom gate. Mum was screaming at the driver to stop, but being a lorry driver he paid not the slightest bit of attention and kept coming straight at us. As he came past us, all three of us panicked and tried to run away.
Poor mum held on as long as she could but eventually the inevitable happened and she got pulled over and dragged down the roadway, still holding onto our ropes. Of course three donkeys are stronger than one person being towed down a hill on her bottom so she had to let go.
I'm afraid to admit that I stood on her and kicked her on the head and also knocked off her specs so she couldn't see anything......she says she knows it was me as she spotted my hairy ankles.
The three of us then set of at a gallop down the hill towards the open gate. Mum, still winded, blinded and looking for her specs, is screaming something they call abuse at dad to get the b gate closed - which he just manages to do before we run out of it and along the lane, which leads to the main road......
He manages to shoo us into the field and then he and mum have what I think is called a discussion, while continuing to search for her specs. I understand it was full and frank.
The specs are eventually found, slightly bent......mum says she needed a new pair anyway and having them at an angle does nothing for her view of the world.
I feel very sorry and contrite as mum has a hoof shaped bruise on boob 1, a large bruise on her midrift which she says is colouring up nicely and is very swollen. She also has multiple bruises on her arms and legs where I trotted on her - I expect I did a nice piaffe just to make sure!
She has forgiven me and says the blame lies elsewhere. Maybe she is saying this just to be kind....
The gateways to our fields are muddy and I am expected to get the Vodka ankles dirty as I delicately trip in and out on a daily basis. This is just not on - especially as poor little Ferguson who does not have giraffe donkey long legs almost flounders in the mud - I am sure one of these days we are going to have to dig him out.
Mum also lost her wellies in it last week and there was a lot of cursing about the fact that she had to take her foot out of the wellie, walk out through the mud barefoot, having managed to eventually pull the offending wellie out of the mud without going as she says a over t. Not sure what that means but maybe someone out there can translate. Something to do with bottoms and bristols she tells me.
The cat walk project has meant that we have had to move to the bottom field. The main gate to this is used by Rosie the cob and it is very very muddy, even worse than our field gate. So we have had to use the bottom gate, which isn't really for foor legged people like us - it is a people gate and you have to go over a bridge and through this little gate. To get there you have to come down the hill via the garden.
So far so good you might think but no not quite.
On Friday, mum told dad to go down and shut the gate at the entrance to the house, so that if for any reason any of us clever donkeys managed to get loose while walking in the garden. Reasonable precaution given what happened next. She then got all our headcollars on and started leading us out of the barn and down the yard, the gate of which was open.
To her horror, she saw that daft daddy had let a lorry carrying stones for the tracks through the bottom gate and it was coming up the hill towards us. He also hadn't shut the bottom gate. Mum was screaming at the driver to stop, but being a lorry driver he paid not the slightest bit of attention and kept coming straight at us. As he came past us, all three of us panicked and tried to run away.
Poor mum held on as long as she could but eventually the inevitable happened and she got pulled over and dragged down the roadway, still holding onto our ropes. Of course three donkeys are stronger than one person being towed down a hill on her bottom so she had to let go.
I'm afraid to admit that I stood on her and kicked her on the head and also knocked off her specs so she couldn't see anything......she says she knows it was me as she spotted my hairy ankles.
The three of us then set of at a gallop down the hill towards the open gate. Mum, still winded, blinded and looking for her specs, is screaming something they call abuse at dad to get the b gate closed - which he just manages to do before we run out of it and along the lane, which leads to the main road......
He manages to shoo us into the field and then he and mum have what I think is called a discussion, while continuing to search for her specs. I understand it was full and frank.
The specs are eventually found, slightly bent......mum says she needed a new pair anyway and having them at an angle does nothing for her view of the world.
I feel very sorry and contrite as mum has a hoof shaped bruise on boob 1, a large bruise on her midrift which she says is colouring up nicely and is very swollen. She also has multiple bruises on her arms and legs where I trotted on her - I expect I did a nice piaffe just to make sure!
She has forgiven me and says the blame lies elsewhere. Maybe she is saying this just to be kind....
Monday, 8 September 2008
Vodka Donkey Open Day - 21st September
Mum is busy baking cakes and things for this, so please everyone in the area come to Dumfries and Galloway to see me.
I will be 'at home' on Sunday 21st September and will be available for one to one chats from 1200 noon to 4 pm - I will be getting all dolled up for the day so please make sure you come to see me as we will all be so disappointed if you can't make it.
I live just off the A713 Ayr to Castle Douglas road and it is very easy to find - you can see my house from the main road. If you need any directions, send me an email or post a comment here - my email is care of mum and she says she can be contacted on louise.whyte@btinternet.com.
Aimee and Ferguson will also be putting in an appearance - just to keep them happy but we all know who the real star is......
I will be 'at home' on Sunday 21st September and will be available for one to one chats from 1200 noon to 4 pm - I will be getting all dolled up for the day so please make sure you come to see me as we will all be so disappointed if you can't make it.
I live just off the A713 Ayr to Castle Douglas road and it is very easy to find - you can see my house from the main road. If you need any directions, send me an email or post a comment here - my email is care of mum and she says she can be contacted on louise.whyte@btinternet.com.
Aimee and Ferguson will also be putting in an appearance - just to keep them happy but we all know who the real star is......
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