Vodka's Ten Commandments

I have been reprieved, mum has cancelled the bad lorry on a temporary basis only. I have been given an asbo and must sign up to the following Performance Indicators.....

1. I must not molest Ferguson in any way.

1a) Statutory rape of Ferguson is not permitted.
1b) Grevious bodily harm is not permitted, this includes hanging onto his tail with my teeth and swinging, grabbing him by the neck and tugging and biting his legs.
1c) Chasing Ferguson up and down the field till his little legs are tired is also considered anti social behaviour unless he clearly indicates that he wishes to participate in an exercise session.

2. All equine equipment must be treated with due respect.

2a) I must not remove rugs which are hanging up to dry and drag them all over the mud in the yard and stand on them.

2b) 2a applies not only to my own rugs but those rugs belonging to other horses and donkeys on site.

2c) I must not remove rugs which are being worn by other horses and donkeys. This particularly refers to Ferguson's rugs. I must pay particular attention to weather conditions and not remove his rugs on a wet and windy day.

2d) If I violate item 2 (c), I must leave the rug in a clearly visible position in the field and not hide it in the longest grass and the wettest area.

2e) I will not laugh if in the process of recovering said rug mum falls over in the mud and long grass and comes in very wet and dirty and in a severe bad humour.

2f) I must not take headcollars that are hanging outside my stable, drag them through the bars of the stable and then chew on brand new lead ropes.

2g) I must not remove mangers from the wall by scratching my bottom on them. Dad has now hung the manger 6 times and while mum says that maybe the bolts are not strong enough, when I sit on the manger it tends to give way. If I remove the manger from the wall, I should not be grumpy if my breakfast is delayed while emergency repairs take place.

3. I must not chase stable cats, whether in the stable or on the yard or on the new Vodka tracks. This particularly applies to burmese blue Ziggle who is still recovering from post traumatic shock having been chased and donkey handled by myself. In my defence, if he was stupid enough to sit right in the middle of the track and refuse to move, what did he expect?

Item 3 will equally apply to any other felines stupid enough to venture within reach of myself. The most likely cats at risk are Sam the Man, Fudge a.k.a Horatio due to his likeness to
David Carusa, and Saffy (though Saffy may well be able to stand up for herself, being a notorious donkey eating cat).

4. On the extremely rare occasions that carrot or apple peelings are added to my breakfast or dinner, I will not roar and make rude noises and attempt to monopolise three feeding stations. I will permit Aimee and Ferguson to eat their breakfasts and dinners without the added stress of a Vodka donkey attempting to share their manger. I must note that there is not room for two donkey muzzles to be in the manger simultaneously.

5. When in season I will try to conduct myself with decorum. The entire world does not need to know that I am up for it. It is extremely unladylike for me to stand and wee and show my donkey parts to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. I will not flaunt myself at Ferguson and scare the pants off him if he were wearing any.

6. I will under no circumstances attempt to donkey handle a feed bucket while held by mum and will wait at a discreet distance while the breakfasts and dinners of all three donkeys are being equitably distributed between the three mangers. I will not complain that my manger has less than anyone else's.

7. I will not let me myself out of the stable at night (I wish to appeal on this one as it was Aimee that had the idea and opened the door) and will not under any circumstances enter the feed store and eat the chicken food.

8. If I have violated item (7) above I promise not to crow.

9. I will not throw buckets across the stable, whether or not they are empty.

10. I will permit my forehead to be combed on demand and without warning.

I have been told that other items may be added to this list of Must Dos.

I must lie down and worry about how I will manage to adhere to all this. If I don't the consequences could be dire.