I had to remind mum that she had forgotten to tell everyone about my Open Day. She says it's because she is still recovering from it!
Anyway, after all the wet weather, we had a lovely sunny day. I was brought into the bottom paddock with the two Scottish Stumpies, and a large sack of chopped carrots and a feed scoop were left there. This got me wondering if there could be something interesting today instead of the usual boring you get up, have breakfast, go out into field, eat, sleep, come back in for dinner, eat, sleep, repeat the dose. Relaxing it may be but I am a young donkey and I am ready to rumble. There is not a lot of action on a smallholding in Dumfries and Galloway, apart from chasing Ziggle the cat.
I watched with interest as tables and chairs appeared on the lawn - lawn is a bit of an exageration, there is a stretch of grass and reeds which claims it is a lawn but really that is stretching credibility a bit. It was still a bit soft under foot after the rain so the chair legs sank into it nicely and sat at all sorts of angles.
Then cakes and things appeared on the table and before mum had even had time to put on some lippie, folks were driving in. She says that she was a bit harassed as we were due to be open from 1200 and people started arriving at 1130 and she hadn't even the hot water boiled and ready to make tea and was still setting things up. Oh well, these things happen. I was ready, I had been groomed and was looking as smart as I could be. And so the cars started arriving and people spilled out and milled around and of course I know why they were all there!
All to see ME of course. Me and the Scottish stumpies preened and posed and ate carrots all day while Dad told everyone my story and what an exceptionally wonderful talented and modest donkey I am. By the end of the afternoon we had all almost turned carrot coloured as we had eaten so many of them, and we had also begun to get snappy and fighty as I wanted them all to myself. It's My Open Day so why should I share. No one would bother coming to see the Scottish Stumpies as they are not Famous. Aimee disagrees, she says she has her picture in more papers than I have.....show me the photos I say.
Didn't see much of mum as she was on cakes and teas duty. She spent all day Saturday baking meringues, walnut cake, cherry cake, fruit cake, Victoria sponge with cream and jam, cup cakes, you name it she had made it - but I didn't get any - she says that dairy products are not good for donkeys but I am sure I know better.
Anyway, about 70 people came to see me and they left me lots of presents - it all added up to £320.00! This was then sent to Equine Section to help save another donkey like me - well not like me as there couldn't be another Vodka donkey.
Mum said never again, she was tired, I was tired too - so full of carrots I could hardly stagger to the stables to lie down.
Mum says that I behaved impeccably and showed everyone what a lovely brave and gentle donkey I am - Ferguson might not agree with this assessment as I kept shoving him out of the way so I could get more carrots. But I was very hospitable and friendly and welcoming - I am sure they all loved me.
Thursday 16 October 2008
Thursday 9 October 2008
Vodka Breaches ASBO
I've done it, I was caught in the act.....
She saw me......I grabbed his rug, and pulled it.
I sunk my teeth into his neck and wrestled with him.....
I MOUNTED HIM - mum says she couldn't watch his little legs buckle with my weight.....
I then asked him to play....and when he wouldn't I chased him with my ears back till he turned around and booted me.
Mum cheered.....
I have a feeling I am in huge trouble. Do they have special Docks in Court for donkeys? Do they do lunch for donkeys, afternoon tea. Oh why didn't I read my Performance Indicators properly.
She saw me......I grabbed his rug, and pulled it.
I sunk my teeth into his neck and wrestled with him.....
I MOUNTED HIM - mum says she couldn't watch his little legs buckle with my weight.....
I then asked him to play....and when he wouldn't I chased him with my ears back till he turned around and booted me.
Mum cheered.....
I have a feeling I am in huge trouble. Do they have special Docks in Court for donkeys? Do they do lunch for donkeys, afternoon tea. Oh why didn't I read my Performance Indicators properly.
Sunday 5 October 2008
Vodka's Ten Commandments
I have been reprieved, mum has cancelled the bad lorry on a temporary basis only. I have been given an asbo and must sign up to the following Performance Indicators.....
1. I must not molest Ferguson in any way.
1a) Statutory rape of Ferguson is not permitted.
1b) Grevious bodily harm is not permitted, this includes hanging onto his tail with my teeth and swinging, grabbing him by the neck and tugging and biting his legs.
1c) Chasing Ferguson up and down the field till his little legs are tired is also considered anti social behaviour unless he clearly indicates that he wishes to participate in an exercise session.
2. All equine equipment must be treated with due respect.
2a) I must not remove rugs which are hanging up to dry and drag them all over the mud in the yard and stand on them.
2b) 2a applies not only to my own rugs but those rugs belonging to other horses and donkeys on site.
2c) I must not remove rugs which are being worn by other horses and donkeys. This particularly refers to Ferguson's rugs. I must pay particular attention to weather conditions and not remove his rugs on a wet and windy day.
2d) If I violate item 2 (c), I must leave the rug in a clearly visible position in the field and not hide it in the longest grass and the wettest area.
2e) I will not laugh if in the process of recovering said rug mum falls over in the mud and long grass and comes in very wet and dirty and in a severe bad humour.
2f) I must not take headcollars that are hanging outside my stable, drag them through the bars of the stable and then chew on brand new lead ropes.
2g) I must not remove mangers from the wall by scratching my bottom on them. Dad has now hung the manger 6 times and while mum says that maybe the bolts are not strong enough, when I sit on the manger it tends to give way. If I remove the manger from the wall, I should not be grumpy if my breakfast is delayed while emergency repairs take place.
3. I must not chase stable cats, whether in the stable or on the yard or on the new Vodka tracks. This particularly applies to burmese blue Ziggle who is still recovering from post traumatic shock having been chased and donkey handled by myself. In my defence, if he was stupid enough to sit right in the middle of the track and refuse to move, what did he expect?
Item 3 will equally apply to any other felines stupid enough to venture within reach of myself. The most likely cats at risk are Sam the Man, Fudge a.k.a Horatio due to his likeness to
David Carusa, and Saffy (though Saffy may well be able to stand up for herself, being a notorious donkey eating cat).
4. On the extremely rare occasions that carrot or apple peelings are added to my breakfast or dinner, I will not roar and make rude noises and attempt to monopolise three feeding stations. I will permit Aimee and Ferguson to eat their breakfasts and dinners without the added stress of a Vodka donkey attempting to share their manger. I must note that there is not room for two donkey muzzles to be in the manger simultaneously.
5. When in season I will try to conduct myself with decorum. The entire world does not need to know that I am up for it. It is extremely unladylike for me to stand and wee and show my donkey parts to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. I will not flaunt myself at Ferguson and scare the pants off him if he were wearing any.
6. I will under no circumstances attempt to donkey handle a feed bucket while held by mum and will wait at a discreet distance while the breakfasts and dinners of all three donkeys are being equitably distributed between the three mangers. I will not complain that my manger has less than anyone else's.
7. I will not let me myself out of the stable at night (I wish to appeal on this one as it was Aimee that had the idea and opened the door) and will not under any circumstances enter the feed store and eat the chicken food.
8. If I have violated item (7) above I promise not to crow.
9. I will not throw buckets across the stable, whether or not they are empty.
10. I will permit my forehead to be combed on demand and without warning.
I have been told that other items may be added to this list of Must Dos.
I must lie down and worry about how I will manage to adhere to all this. If I don't the consequences could be dire.
1. I must not molest Ferguson in any way.
1a) Statutory rape of Ferguson is not permitted.
1b) Grevious bodily harm is not permitted, this includes hanging onto his tail with my teeth and swinging, grabbing him by the neck and tugging and biting his legs.
1c) Chasing Ferguson up and down the field till his little legs are tired is also considered anti social behaviour unless he clearly indicates that he wishes to participate in an exercise session.
2. All equine equipment must be treated with due respect.
2a) I must not remove rugs which are hanging up to dry and drag them all over the mud in the yard and stand on them.
2b) 2a applies not only to my own rugs but those rugs belonging to other horses and donkeys on site.
2c) I must not remove rugs which are being worn by other horses and donkeys. This particularly refers to Ferguson's rugs. I must pay particular attention to weather conditions and not remove his rugs on a wet and windy day.
2d) If I violate item 2 (c), I must leave the rug in a clearly visible position in the field and not hide it in the longest grass and the wettest area.
2e) I will not laugh if in the process of recovering said rug mum falls over in the mud and long grass and comes in very wet and dirty and in a severe bad humour.
2f) I must not take headcollars that are hanging outside my stable, drag them through the bars of the stable and then chew on brand new lead ropes.
2g) I must not remove mangers from the wall by scratching my bottom on them. Dad has now hung the manger 6 times and while mum says that maybe the bolts are not strong enough, when I sit on the manger it tends to give way. If I remove the manger from the wall, I should not be grumpy if my breakfast is delayed while emergency repairs take place.
3. I must not chase stable cats, whether in the stable or on the yard or on the new Vodka tracks. This particularly applies to burmese blue Ziggle who is still recovering from post traumatic shock having been chased and donkey handled by myself. In my defence, if he was stupid enough to sit right in the middle of the track and refuse to move, what did he expect?
Item 3 will equally apply to any other felines stupid enough to venture within reach of myself. The most likely cats at risk are Sam the Man, Fudge a.k.a Horatio due to his likeness to
David Carusa, and Saffy (though Saffy may well be able to stand up for herself, being a notorious donkey eating cat).
4. On the extremely rare occasions that carrot or apple peelings are added to my breakfast or dinner, I will not roar and make rude noises and attempt to monopolise three feeding stations. I will permit Aimee and Ferguson to eat their breakfasts and dinners without the added stress of a Vodka donkey attempting to share their manger. I must note that there is not room for two donkey muzzles to be in the manger simultaneously.
5. When in season I will try to conduct myself with decorum. The entire world does not need to know that I am up for it. It is extremely unladylike for me to stand and wee and show my donkey parts to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. I will not flaunt myself at Ferguson and scare the pants off him if he were wearing any.
6. I will under no circumstances attempt to donkey handle a feed bucket while held by mum and will wait at a discreet distance while the breakfasts and dinners of all three donkeys are being equitably distributed between the three mangers. I will not complain that my manger has less than anyone else's.
7. I will not let me myself out of the stable at night (I wish to appeal on this one as it was Aimee that had the idea and opened the door) and will not under any circumstances enter the feed store and eat the chicken food.
8. If I have violated item (7) above I promise not to crow.
9. I will not throw buckets across the stable, whether or not they are empty.
10. I will permit my forehead to be combed on demand and without warning.
I have been told that other items may be added to this list of Must Dos.
I must lie down and worry about how I will manage to adhere to all this. If I don't the consequences could be dire.
Friday 3 October 2008
I Am Being Sent Back
Mum has said that she has ordered the bad lorry to come back and get me and take me to Italy.
She says it is fully justified due to my very very bad behaviour. That I am a thoroughly naughty donkey - I always knew this would happen, that it was not to be forever.
She says she will make the phone call tonight and I will be gone by Monday.
I am heartbroken. What can I do?
She says it is fully justified due to my very very bad behaviour. That I am a thoroughly naughty donkey - I always knew this would happen, that it was not to be forever.
She says she will make the phone call tonight and I will be gone by Monday.
I am heartbroken. What can I do?
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